Look at the WOman in the mirror - the smart way of change in personality
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NDC London 20165 / 133
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Transcript: English(auto-generated)
00:08
Hello, everybody. Welcome to my talk. Look at the man or woman in the mirror, the smart way for change in personality. I don't talk about tech stuff.
00:21
So you can relax a little bit, and we talk about us, we talk about humans. And I think that's a very important topic when we want to talk about how we can implement some changes into a team or into a company.
00:41
And so, this is my talk about the human inside of us. It's about the change of our personality. I am Sabine Berneker-Bennigsen. I'm from Germany, so I'm not a native English speaker. So please, be kind with me,
01:03
and I hope you will all understand everything I want to tell you. I'm working as a freelance consultant, as an author, as a trainer, and my topics are communication, team and culture, leadership, changes. And everything has to do with the so-called soft skills or social skills.
01:24
I'm working on this topic for more than 20 years, and now for two and a half years in the tech industry. And I think it's really great because the tech industry is very interested in this topic. These are the conferences I've been in the last year.
01:43
Next week, I will be at software quality days in Vienna. And it's always about soft skills, social skills, and I think it's a good sign that the necessity of the human being in tech companies is very important.
02:02
I've written some articles, German articles and English articles. You can see the websites or the magazines. And some of my articles are now published in an e-book, Soft Skills in IT, but in German.
02:21
So if you speak German, then you can read it. Next article, which will be published, is on infuq.com, and it's about this topic we are talking about today. So if it gets better when it gets different, I don't know.
02:43
But that it has to be different when it should get good. That's what I know. This is something Georg Lichtenberg, a German philosopher, once said, and I think that's a very important thing about change.
03:01
When we start a change right now, we don't know if it will be better afterwards. We just have an idea about it. But when things get different, we now need to change.
03:23
And when things should get better than they are now, we have to do the first step. But change is not one step. Change are many, many small steps after the other. And sometimes it could be that you have to change your direction
03:42
because you see that the first way you've chosen is not the right way or not the way which will lead you to success. And so that is very important. We don't know what will happen when we start with the change. We just have an idea.
04:03
This idea for the talk is inspired by one of my customers called Connor. I'm working with. And he came to me one day. He is the CTO and founder of a software development company.
04:22
And they have been world leader in a very small market. The problem was that the small market was shrinking. A shrinking small market is not a good outlook for the future.
04:40
And the problem was that he has had a lot of bad years before. Bad years in private life. Bad years when he hasn't had enough energy to do some innovation, some change in his company.
05:00
And when he came to me, he said, Sabine, when we stay where we are, in the three years, the market will have kicked us off. So we have to do something. But I don't know what. I've tried a lot, but it doesn't work.
05:24
And he starts talking about his employees. He talked about they were not really engaged. They were just looking from one holiday to another holiday. They were not talking with each other, and so on and so on.
05:42
And he told me a lot of things which do not really work with his employees. And I asked him one question. Which is your role in this organization, in this system? And he said, I'm the boss. I said, OK, you are the boss. You pay the salary each month.
06:02
Yes, I do. And what do you do to help the people? We start discussing about leader, being a leader. What is leadership, and so on. And after our discussion, he said,
06:20
I don't think that I'm a leader at the moment now. And I know that I haven't been the leader in the last years because I've had other problems and I didn't think about being a leader. But I want to become a leader. And so we were at the point that we say, OK,
06:42
then let's start with you, and not with your employees, but let's start with you. You are the first person who has to do the most important steps, the first steps. And then he started thinking about what his vision could be.
07:02
And he said, DevOps would be a good idea for our company because the way we are working is in some parts close to DevOps. For me, and this talk, DevOps is also a good example because DevOps is an approach which has no one-size-fits-all solution.
07:26
It offers the possibility to find and develop the most fitting setup for the team and the company. And when we talk about DevOps, we all know about CAMS. And the C at the beginning of CAMS has a reason
07:44
why it is at the beginning. It's culture. And you know all about John Willis, and he said on one DevOps meetup in Silicon Valley, if you can't get the C, don't bother with the A, the M, and the S.
08:03
Because the culture is necessary for the following letters for the A, the M, and the S. Automation metrics and sharing is just really effective and possible when you have the right culture in your company. But what is culture?
08:21
Culture is the way we interact with each other. It's about human behavior. The communication, the way we are dealing with failures, the way we give feedback and receive feedback. And so when we talk about DevOps,
08:42
we have to talk about soft and social skills because they are necessary to do DevOps. And so both parts, the idea of Connor to do DevOps and to be the coach for Connor is the idea why I have this talk.
09:06
Change in personality. This is our comfort zone. The nice sofa sitting on, some have some bigger sofas, others have smaller sofas, but it's cozy there. We like to sit there, we like to relax there.
09:23
And when we start to talk about change in personality, some of us might get the idea that the change could become an aggressor to our comfort zone. But the question is, does change always mean
09:45
to leave our comfort zone? Or are there other ways to have a change in a successful way? I think changing does not always mean to leave the comfort zone.
10:01
So the interesting thing about this is that even when we talk about small changes, a lot of people think that they have to leave their comfort zone and that it is very hard to do this.
10:21
But by the way, change happens anyway. Day by day, things around us are changing. We can't stop it. Change happens with or without you. You can't stop it. But no matter which way you choose,
10:43
change will always have an effect on your life, on your work, and on your success. Even when you choose to, I won't change, just because of everything around you will change,
11:01
it will affect your life. So I think the best way is to give change my direction. So if something starts to affect my life, it will be better the way I want it. So last year on SaveIt, Shaya Ghazi said,
11:23
if you can't see how your industry will be affected by upcoming ideas, change will hit you from behind. And if you are not prepared, change will perhaps kick you off your feet. And this is not only your industry, it's also your privacy and your daily work life.
11:44
When you are not aware that change will come and which direction it will take, it will surprise you, and sometimes too hard. As I'm a good guest, and as I'm very proud to be here at London, DC,
12:02
I have a present. Do you like presents? Oh, in English it's the word gift. You know we have a similar word in German? Yes. What does it mean in German?
12:21
Poison, yes. But be sure this is not toxic, something very nice inside. Who wants to have this present? Yeah? Okay. Please open it. And let's have a look what's inside.
12:44
Another box. Okay, please give it to another one. Open it. Oh! So, yeah, open it.
13:03
Oh. The hearts. Please share the three hearts with the two guys behind you. Forrest Gump once said, life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're going to get. It's the same with these boxes here.
13:24
There are hearts inside. Have you all seen the hearts which are inside of it? Those hearts. Have you ever seen these hearts? It's marzipan, Lubecka marzipan.
13:42
Really delicious. But why do I choose the heart? The heart is a symbol. On the one hand, the heart is a symbol for life. It's our organ which is pumping the blood through our bodies. We need it.
14:03
And it's not good when the heart stops pumping. And it's a symbol for love. Right? When you see a heart, we mostly think about love or someone we love. But what is love to do with this talk? Is it because I'm a female?
14:20
I don't know. For me, it's time to say I love you. I don't know you. But I really, really love you. Do you know why? I love you because you're here. I love you because you're interested in sharing ideas.
14:45
And I love you for being curious about other people and their opinions. And when we look at the society outside, we all know that it's not usual to be interested in other people's ideas,
15:05
to share opinions or something like that. And that's the reason why I say I love you. Because you give me the opportunity and the other speakers too to talk about our ideas, about our visions.
15:22
And that's really great. Thank you very much for that. But what about you? Do you love what you do? Yes. Do you love the way you do it?
15:42
And do you love with whom you are doing it? Three important questions, I think. Yesterday, I read an article. The guy wrote, no, it's not necessary to love what we do.
16:01
He told a story about the two Juba founders. And he said, they don't love transportation and they don't love logistics, but they do something with transportation. Okay, he's right. But they had a vision. They had a vision of making transportation,
16:22
getting from A to B, easier and cheaper and more comfortable. And they love this vision. So there's also love in their project. And I think that's very important when we have a project that there is something to love about. But even if we say no, it's also great for change.
16:45
If you love what you do, change is important to keep what you love. I said, everything around us is changing. And even if I stay here and love this place I'm standing at the moment,
17:01
if everything around me changes, it could be that I won't love this place anymore in the future. And if no, change is the possibility to return to the point where we love the things we do or to come to the point where we love the things we do.
17:24
Some kind of love, if you call it love or you like it or whatever, is important for the motivation to do hard stuff. I don't want to do really hard stuff if I don't like all the things about it.
17:40
So it gives me energy to go on. And we need energy if we talk about change in personality. Please note, when I talk about change, I do not automatically talk about the same as progress. Sometimes change is needed to keep at least the status quo.
18:04
It's not always progress. If you are ahead of the others at the moment, you say, hey, great, I'm ahead of everyone,
18:20
and you start to relax too much, the others will overtake you sooner or later. So even if you are a world leader at the moment, you have to move on and on and on. If you stand still, this will happen to you.
18:42
By the way, this is my female dog, and she is relaxing at the moment. And at this time, we had another dog, a male dog. But what does she know? When she starts to relax too much and would have put the bone somewhere else,
19:01
he would have taken this bone, and it was gone for her. So even while relaxing, she held it because it is her. So some good news. We have talked about a lot of problems.
19:20
We all are able to change in our personality. It's a hard job, but it's possible. And if we have a vision where we want to get to, and we love this vision, we will manage it. Why the hell do we always talk about the difficulties and change
19:45
instead of simply doing it? Here are some examples why we talk about these problems. We have all made experiences about change, not always the good ones. We have anxieties about change.
20:06
We all are sometimes a little bit lazy, and change is hard work. So by the way, I have to go to work five days a week, eight hours, ten hours, or whatever,
20:22
and then I have to change on top? Perhaps we have gone wrong ways in the past. Perhaps we haven't found the right motivation for doing a change. We have heard some horror stories from other people.
20:43
Or we have no idea how we can do this. We are afraid of possible failures, and failures will come. Always when we try to change something, even if we try to change ourselves, failures will be there.
21:04
Or we have the mindset, I'm the best anyway, so why the hell should I go this hard way of change? Or another excuse, we have always done it this way,
21:21
and it has worked, so why? Some of the people who always find excuses for change have a lack of self-confidence. They are not sure if they are really able to do this, and you will find many more excuses.
21:41
Perhaps some of these examples are very familiar to you because you have experiences with yourself or with others, but they will always appear when you talk about change. No, that's not right. People like to talk about change, but they like to talk about the others have to change.
22:02
Let the others do the steps first, and perhaps we will see. Perhaps it will work. There's one big mistake which is often made. It's when companies try to implement changes,
22:21
they often start the organizational change and then put some tools on, and then they stop here. Let's say, so, we have changed our organization, now everything is fine. And they will soon experience
22:40
that not everything will be fine by just changing the organization. They need a cultural change, but I said culture is the way we interact and we behave with each other. When you put organizational change on top of the team, they are not very satisfied with what happened.
23:03
And now imagine how they interact with each other when they are not satisfied with the way they should work right now. This means a culture will establish which is not a healthy atmosphere.
23:21
And then perhaps someone comes to the idea, oh, we need some changes in the individuals, but not at the end. The better way would be first talking about this part, personal change. And when you change personal behavior at first,
23:42
the culture will change automatically. And when you have a culture which is full of trust, then organizational change won't be that problematic anymore. Then you can add the tools which you need and so on and so on.
24:02
But this part first will guarantee a more sustainable way for implementing changes. But someone has to start with this. The other part is when we talk about changes, we want to give everything a big name.
24:23
In this case, we are talking about DevOps. As Connor said, he wanted to implement DevOps in his company. And for some people, big names are really motivating because they can say when you talk to others, hey, we are doing DevOps, great. And I'll say, oh, DevOps, yeah, mindset, philosophy.
24:50
We want to develop software. We are no fuse over, so what should I do with DevOps?
25:01
No matter. No matter which name your baby of change has, a big name sometimes can be in your eyes a cute little thing. But in the eyes of others, it could be a scary beast. Depends on the point of view they have.
25:21
And when in your eyes it is cute and nice and handsome, it doesn't automatically need to be the same picture in the head of your partners. So you have to commit to what to talk about.
25:41
The biggest mistake we can do is that we want to change everyone and everything at once. That won't work. Because you can't change anybody anyway except yourself.
26:01
Perhaps you can't change the look of someone. Send him to a doctor, yeah, he will change the look. But that's not what we want. It won't change the behavior and the way we interact with each other. So we can only change ourselves.
26:21
May I get the boxes back, please? Thank you. So the boxes are a symbol for our limitations.
26:55
We could say we are living in a box. And the box could be the symbol for our comfort zone.
27:04
So when you see we have different sizes of boxes, we put one box, put into another box, and put it into another box. It is like in life.
27:21
Our personal limitations, our limitations of work, of company, our limitations from government, there are different limitations we have to deal with in our life. And if we want to change, we have to open our box and have a look outside.
27:45
What's outside our box? And that is very interesting. And if you find it interesting, we can step outside the box and have a closer look at it. Let me introduce three quotes.
28:03
Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It's the only thing. When we talk about change, being an example is the best thing you can do. It's the most motivating tool.
28:24
We are who we choose to be. It means that it's our decision who we are. No one else can tell us, and no one else should. You cannot live your life to please others.
28:40
The choice must be yours. And it's very important. When you have a vision, where you want to be with your team, and for this vision, this personal change needed, you can't force them to change.
29:00
You have to be the example so that the others have the possibility to decide that it is a good way to see you as an example and to follow you. And we do not talk about the boss in the company. The leader is not automatically the boss in the company.
29:24
The leader could also be a team member. 1987, Michael Jackson published the song Start with a Man in the Mirror. I was 17 this year, and I liked the song very much.
29:45
But the meaning of the words just became clear to me, really clear to me later on when I got older. And I think there's one important sentence. If you want to make this world a better place,
30:01
take a look at yourself and then make a change. It doesn't matter which world you mean, your own personal world, your working world, or the whole world around. If there's something you want to change, start with yourself and then make the first steps
30:27
in hope that others will follow you. When you start to change yourself, you have to look at your box, at your own limitations.
30:41
And it's important always to have a holistic approach to it, because we are not only a working guy or a private guy, we are both. And private life influences our work, and work influences our private life in very hard ways.
31:05
When I started to work with Connor, he came out of a time where he had a lot of troubles in private. And in this time, he hadn't had the energy to change something at work.
31:26
He told me that he had realized much earlier that there will be problems in the future with the company. But he tried to close his eyes and not to look at his problems, because he had so much to do in his private life
31:42
that he hadn't the power anymore. And if he had done it this way much longer, the company won't exist anymore at this time. So private life has a big influence on work. Other way around, when you have always trouble in your job,
32:04
and you go back home, you won't shut off this trouble. You have the time, the small time to relax, full in your head with the problems on work.
32:21
And it's not much time left for recovery. And when you go back to work on Monday, you haven't relaxed that much, what you need. And next week will be the next loop, and so it will go on and on and on. And when we talk about burnout in the tech industry,
32:43
on many conferences this is a big topic, and sometimes it has to do with the fact that you don't have enough time to relax. And when you take your troubles you have at work into your private life, it will influence your time of recovery,
33:00
but it will also influence your partnership, your friendships and whatever, and perhaps it will cause other troubles. And then the bad loop is going on and on and on. So when you want to change your personality,
33:22
small change in personality, you have always to look on both sides, because when you change the way you are interacting with each other or the way you are communicating, it won't be only at work. It will only also influence your private life, and that's something you have to be aware of.
33:44
So that's my son. Now he's grown up, really, really tall. It's like playing with a ball. When you want to change, you need to identify your goal,
34:02
and you have to look at your goal, where you want to go. And when you identify your goal, you need to think about which are the main and important skills to reach these goals.
34:22
Having a look at the goals and looking what you need to reach these goals. But always have an eye on your goal because the goal could move a little bit because everything around is also changing. So identify your own goals and identify what you need to reach the goals.
34:46
It's time for self-perception and feedback. Do you know the Johari window? No? Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham
35:01
have developed this model of perception, and they said we had four parts in our perception. One part is the open part. That's our behavior, our emotion, everything people can see. The open part is known to others and known to ourselves.
35:21
That is what we want others to see from us. We have a hidden part. The hidden part is everything I know about myself, but you won't see about me. That is what I have inside. My emotions, my thoughts,
35:40
I won't share with you, and so on. We have the unknown part. The unknown part is a part I don't know about myself and others also don't know about myself. We all hope that we won't learn about the unknown part because this is the part which mostly appears
36:01
in very, very extreme situations when you perhaps fear of your life or something like that. Please let this part be the unknown part. And that's the most interesting part. It's the blind part. It is blind to ourselves.
36:22
We don't know it about ourselves, but the other people see it. This could be happens. We do automatically. We don't know about it or other things. And that's why feedback is so interesting
36:41
because feedback brings light into the blind part for us. So when we want to change, we have to analyze our self-perception. We have to create our own picture about ourselves. And then we need feedback. We need to ask for feedback.
37:02
We have to ask questions, and we need to listen very well to the answers or what people tell me without asking. We need to ask many, many questions, many people. The more questions, the more people we ask,
37:22
the better the picture will be we get. And with this multiple feedback and my self-perception, I can make a comparison. My self-perception, the feedback, and what I need to reach my goals.
37:45
Yeah, three parts. Self-perception, feedback, and what I need to reach my goals. I have thought about it before. And then I know what I have to work on. So let's talk about the comfort zone.
38:05
You say the magic happens outside the comfort zone. In reality, this way won't be that straight. The way would be this one. But when I want to leave the comfort zone,
38:22
I need trust. Trust to myself that I'm able to, that I will manage it, and trust to the people around me that they could deal when I do some failures or something like that. And I need a lot of courage. So am I really ready for it?
38:45
Am I really ready for this process of trusting myself, of trusting other people, of having a lot of courage? And do I really want to leave or expand my comfort zone?
39:04
I hope so. As I said before, I am not the fan of leaving my comfort zone. I am a fan of the extended version of my own comfort zone, because when I have the smaller comfort zone,
39:21
I have some strength. And to leave my comfort zone would mean to me that I could leave the strength behind. But I want to take my old strength with me and put some new strength on it to have an expanded comfort zone. And when I have an expanded comfort zone,
39:42
a lot of different situations will be okay for me, because I can deal with a lot of things. It's much better than to say, I have to leave my comfort zone and find a new comfort zone. No, expand it. Take the old strengths with you and put some new on.
40:05
And then you come to the place where magic happens, because you are the one who can make magic happen. And changes will be much easier. There's one decision when we talk about leaving or expanding our comfort zone.
40:28
Do or do not. There's no try. When I want to expand my comfort zone, it's not, okay, I try it once or twice, and then I can kick it off or something like that.
40:43
No. You need time for this process. And you need energy. So if you want it, you have to go on and on and on, and only then it will be successful.
41:02
So do or do not. No try. It's a decision. When I talk about changes in personality, I talk about small, slight steps. Not the big ones.
41:21
Just step after step. And with a small step for me in my behavior, this is the kind of step I can manage, and I will experience success.
41:40
But the effect on other people will be much bigger than only my small step. When I start to, take the example of Connor again, when he started to communicate in a better way with his employees,
42:01
the employees start suddenly to talk to him. And they gave him a lot of useful information, information he could use to motivate them. And they feel better because they had the impression that he is interested in them.
42:25
And people who feel better at work, what do they do? They engage themselves much more in work. So with just the simple step, I talk to my employees,
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or with my employees, it's a better way, not with my employees, a loop of improvement starts. So, one step after the other,
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one step first, you will have success. The success will motivate you. The others will recognize that change could be successful, and this will motivate them and encourage them to follow you in also slight, gentle steps.
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That will motivate you again, because you see that change in your personality has an effect on others, and they will follow you, and you will try the next step. And so this will go on and on and on. But it would be the same when you start with too many steps at first,
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you won't have success. The others will see that you don't have success, and they will stay where they are. And this will not motivate you, and you will stop going the next steps.
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So, please, one step after the other, and then people can follow you because you are the good example. The flowchart of change in personality starts with a point where we realize that we need to change,
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and it goes on with the question, are you ready for change? Do you know your team? It does not mean that you are the team leader, but that you are within the team. If you know your team, get intimate, try to get close to their motivations.
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Start with reflecting yourself. Do you really know yourself? And look for feedback. That's what we talked about. Self-perception and the feedback. Does your self-image match with your feedback? Why not?
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Okay, then check again. Are you close to all parts of your team? Does it mean, do they see what you are doing? Are you also close to those people who are not your friends, who don't want these changes?
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Because these no-nos, there's a book called The Iceberg is Melting. These no-nos are very important for your change because when you talk to people who are not the fan of your idea, they can give you very important hints for better solutions.
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Trust is a very important part for the changing process because in an atmosphere of trust, you're sure that you can do some failures and nobody will kill you for that.
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Appreciation is a very important part in this process. Show appreciation and value every step the others have gone. And then when you are the good example
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and when you have the first multipliers, you are really a leader, not only when you are the boss of the team. But always remember, when we talk about change, most of the time there is a time lag. Here's the point where you start to realize
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that something isn't okay. But it's you who realize this. And then you start thinking about what you want to change and how it could be changed. And in this process, when you start thinking about it, you somewhere start to talk about it.
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And perhaps this is the first point where the others you are talking with realize that something isn't okay, perhaps before it wasn't important for them. And then they hear you talk about it and start realizing it
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and then they start thinking about it. But when they start thinking about it, you are already in your personal process. So there is always a time lag. When you are the initiator of this changing process, you are always one or two steps ahead. Be patient with others when they should follow you
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and pick them up where they are. Make them see your vision. And for this reason, thinking aloud is a very good method to talk about your ideas,
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to talk about your visions. And when you start talking about your visions and others would share these ideas and give you their opinions, perhaps you will find a really good solution for your team and your company. And this change is much more accepted. This is one of my favorite movies.
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The Pursuit of Happiness. Do you know this movie, Pursuit of Happiness? Do you like it? And perhaps you remember the scene at the basketball area, the basketball field.
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The son of Chris, this young guy, he plays basketball with his father and he was very enthusiastic about playing basketball and then he said, hey dad, when I am grown up, I will get a basketball trophy.
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And what did his father say? Son, you better have to think about it because when you want to get a basketball trophy, you have to be real tall and it's hard to get a basketball trophy,
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so better think about it if it's a good idea. And what was the reaction of the son? He took his ball, put it back into the bag and was very sad. And then his father, Chris Gardner, said, don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something, not even me.
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You dream, you got to protect it. People can't do something themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it, period. If you have a dream, if you have a vision,
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hold this dream, but be aware. There will always be someone who says no, that won't work. Not because out of the reason that it really won't work, but because out of the reason that he or she doesn't want it.
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There is a difference, yeah? So if you have a vision and if you think that it is a good idea for you, hold tight to it.
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And you will find sooner or later the first multipliers. The multipliers are people who will help you to invent this change. These are the people who will follow you, the first people who follow you.
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And with the multipliers, the influence on others will increase rapidly. Never push, always push. Pressure causes counter-pressure. And when you remember the three quotes,
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you have to make your own decision to change. Pressure is not the right way. Be the example. And like in Kanban, let the others pull it. Say, okay, that's the way I want to do it,
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and I try it by myself. The slight way of change needs to be prepared very well. And it takes some time. And with this way, you can build a strong fundament
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and a strong fundament will cause more sustainability. And with this way, change is not an exceptional event anymore. Change will become something usual
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because everyone has learned that change isn't something bad. Everyone has learned that change is something which could be really successful. And if you do it the right way, step by step, not all at once, it's possible to manage it.
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With being the good example, you show that change is possible and that it is nothing to be afraid of. And during this process, a lot of changes
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have happened to your team as well because they have seen you behaving in a different way and they try to imitate it and because the influence because of your interaction is that important. Good experiences have been created
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and you all have learned from failures you have made during this process of change. And I think that's a very important lesson, what we could learn from failures
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and how to deal with failures. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. Do we stay where we are or do we stop talking and start with ourselves
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because someone has to start. If it is not you, perhaps nobody else would. So, thank you very much for listening. I am organizing DevOpsDays, a nonprofit conference in Kiel, in Mai.
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And we would really like to have you as speaker, as sponsor, or as attendee, so don't hesitate to contact us or to ask questions or whatever. Perhaps we will meet again. So, any questions?
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Thank you so much.