The Schemaverse is a vast universe found purely within a PostgreSQL database. Control your fleet of ships manually with SQL commands or write AI in PL/pgSQL so they control themselves while you sit back and enjoy the con. This presentation will help my fellow database geeks to understand the game play mechanics used in The Schemaverse so they can compete in the weekend long tournament. Abstrct, the author of The Schemaverse game, is a hobbyist programmer and data aficionado. While not pretending to have much actual experience with database security in the professional world, he has enjoyed making database systems do ridiculous things since his first SELECT.