Ever worry about the hardware you leave behind? In a world where servers are co-located, and notebooks get left in hotel rooms, the ability to resist tampering, and if necessary actively respond to attack, has become increasingly important. And of course everybody knows the best booby traps are the ones you don't know are there. This talk will prepare you for life in 1984, where the maids are evil, and step brothers can't be trusted. Whether your running servers as a high value target, or simply want to protect your Monero private key, this talk will show you to achieve FIPS 140-2 level 4 security, without the FIPS 140-2 level 4 price tag. Specifically, we'll cover acquisition considerations, physical hardening, firmware mitigation, tamper detection and more.