Tired of the government being the only entity around that can keep tabs on a whole city at once? Frustrated by dictators du jour knowing more about you than you know about them? Fed up with agents provocateur slipping into your protests, rallies, or golf outings? Suffer no more, because CreepyDOL is here to help! With open-source software, off-the-shelf sensors, several layers of encryption, and a deployment methodology of "pull pin, point toward privacy insurance claimant," it allows anyone to track everyone in a neighborhood, suburb, or city from the comfort of their sofa. For just four easy hardware purchases of $131.95, you, too can move up from small-time weirding out to the big leagues of total information awareness: deploy CreepyDOL today! Brendan O'Connor (@USSJoin) is a geek of many trades. While he's a full-time law student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison (set to graduate in May 2014), his consultancy, Malice Afterthought, completed two DARPA Cyber Fast Track contracts during his first two years in law school. He has also taught information warfare for the DoD, played the violin (now for more than 21 years), obtained his Amateur Extra certification, and wished fervently that his two cats would think of him as more than (a provider of) food.