The Courage of Compassion

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The Courage of Compassion
Transforming Your Experience With Criticism
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We have all been online long enough to have encountered criticism from people whose faces we will never see. Some of it is constructive, and some if it is awful, anonymous assumptions and slurs that we do our best to ignore. Sometimes our emotions prevent us from making a distinction between that which could be helpful and that which is just plain bullying. There isn’t a cure for it. It cannot be fixed or stopped. Learning how to deal with both is a factor of life that our children will have to endure on a scale we never did, in ways we probably can’t imagine. I’ve tried and failed many times to react in the best possible way and have finally learned that “reacting” isn’t the answer. The answer is something much more fearless.
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at stage 1 is kind of getting opening keynote for 1 of the topics that really wanna focus on this year's Republican how do you do with hate speech with unconstructive criticism with people who are aggressive all violent all fundamentally of a different opinion and how do we hold a dialog with them I like I said this is kind the opening keynote for that track but there are many different sessions happening the next 3 days on stage including the keynote from Karolina and tomorrow he on stage 1 all the workshop on trolling community management with new Heizer on stage 6 on Wednesday that secession that's not going to be recorded so full of you interested in this topic I recommend this 1 to you we really really proud to have had on strong with
us today she is known as the world's most famous mommy blogger but she's also New
York Times bestselling author and has over 1 . 5 million followers on Twitter had is here to share with us the so experience on how to deal with criticism please give our warm welcome the
it in on time for her
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cannot produce that life of on television the through the a minute out in a remarkable you a really you have figures low your relatively far from the pleasure of it and you're more matter your matter determiners Ch I only interval of the Indian act of overachiever moaning when your readers
defining figure out what it activates just hang the article is final lot understood by them and you of them use novel problem do you didn't have a minimum of 1 thing that last body of yours and you the very the lantern gyrus clubrooms data from incredible power later the dynamics on history of immediately on the only person who really cared about the welfare would your I mean literally it's true that it's clear career log that Europe notes from bottom what kind of need and I hope you're trying to do you work every time you have because now needed militarily on other between work burden you with the mother yeah moving reduced style you're a lover not neuron are not and users not there it's all or none of you have devoted their life raft her looking for you're the alternative yet who work on your neuronal drew plotted all the internet for the bigger game anchoring you are a critical element of another example and those were just the e-mails from my mom she can be a little critical what if I were to tell you that people who leave that kind of feedback not kind of nastiness are more deserving of our understanding and compassion than anyone else who leaves commentaries more deserving of those who really support what we do and who we really encouraging comments are really encouraging messages on your face that wall those people deserve our compassion more for those of you who are unfamiliar with my work probably all you know I am and I've been blogging for 15 years and 11 of those years I have haven't writing about my children meaning I am what is
responsible for the blights that is known as mommy blogging I have been minding my children's childhood for content for
the last 11 years 12 years and so on according to some and I made it might whereby I have exploited my children for millions and millions of dollars thereby obliterating their chance of having a functioning adulthood 1st there was this 1 she made me a lot of money choose which is great for
content in the I realize is I expanded my family that I could make more money added this 1
and made a lot of money on that 1 it's a very viable business model adding children but because Mommy blogging is so controversial I have experienced that kind of criticism that you heard day in and day out over the last 15 years it's in all of my e-mail is in my face that page for my Twitter account everywhere I go have to hear that kind of feedback what if I were to tell you the that's this feedback
on is a gift it's a gift to all of us who share online now we think that the people who leave that kind of commentary look like this aside favor animated give on the internet washed out all along we think they look like this and that makes us feel better but in
fact they look like this the no I don't go around living that have commentary the people who leave those nasty comments look like me and they look just like you no this gift of of these
awful comments How on earth could this possibly be against and I like to have compared the I begin this metaphor by comparing it to the emergency room scenario and I'm not
sure if you're familiar with the very amazing health care system that we have in the states my friend heard that I was coming to Germany and she's like bring back some health care she has no health care she can afford it which means that she's going around facing bankruptcy if she happens to be hit by a car today hope that that happens but in in the states if you here make it to the clinic where your insurance pays for your doctor and you have a broken so you have to go to the emergency room and you have to fill out a ton of paperwork you have to pay a lot of money have to wait depending on who's working in the in the hospital that
day and depending on how how big a injury is you may wait there all day long but then they rush someone in you have a gunshot wound to the chest he does not to fill out the
paperwork he gets right to the doctor because his wound is greater than your broken toe those people who leave those comments are the ones with with the gunshot wound to the chest anybody who's ever followed me my knows that I have not always been this generous to these people
ever since and that's a very major public meltdowns but I know that a lot of us experience this again we experience it on our face but the we experience it on twitter we may have that random e-mail from an agent to tell us that we are a disappointment to our mother how do we deal with this how we deal with this conflicts that
is in this space because it's never going away and you can't hear it you can't put
in a corner houses the guests how we make it so that those comments don't former noxious cloud ahead and paralyze us how we move for people will tell you to shake it off because the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate the now I have given
this response many interviews and interviews because money body is very
important it's a very important job and people ask me how do you deal with the the back is hurt you my responses yes it does because if it didn't hurt me that I think I would lose the capacity that I have to write
stories that connect with people if I if I become immune to the to the hurt and the pain and then I can write something that moves someone there's an author and a researcher in American author name Brown you may be familiar with her and she wrote a book called the gifts and imperfection In it she wrote the best quote that I can think about this whole this whole metaphor the problem is that when we
don't care at all what people think In were mean to hearts were also
ineffective act connecting yes courage is telling our story not being immune to criticism staying vulnerable is a risk that we have to take if we want to experience connection how is this a gift thus all begin
with my now 12 year old daughter who was came to me and she's of
not I wanna start Instagram account and a YouTube channel at 10 no my website is called dues and shh again Molly blog is a very polarizing and controversial situations people have very strong opinions about me and I said and Integra seriously enough would even college Instagram account she says I'm gonna call induced Jr now when in the states might tell the story I like to say OK let's the basically basically like OJ Simpson someone who has no idea what people think of his father is going to start Instagram account called G yet nonagon idea that's invented Berlin let's use the metaphor of Donald
Trump but they don't that interneurons on you I do no idea what the world thought about a father a certain Instagram account called don't don't do here amounts in the held that would happen so when she told me that my instant policies that are down and say the humans are
awful case people stopped everyone
is a as you pass but then they get therefore you're prepared it that that's not going to prepare her for what she's about to encounter when she goes online in are children are going to experience this in a way that we cannot possibly comprehend they already are the our children will face this kind of criticism and bullying it off list that we are are on a scale that is just unimaginable and so when they tell you is when the her is all the ways that I have done it wrong over the last 15 years all the ways that I got defensive the defensiveness steals your energy and that means that you explain yourself to those who will deliberately and maliciously misinterpret you it's a waste of time like screaming words into a vacuum this all started back in the year 2 thousand when I 1st started blogging the before computers exist and in I there were no comments
sections there was no face but basically people just e-mailed that all of a sudden I'm getting e-mails from people telling me that I said you use that and then I will respond in the back and forth and it was just useless screaming at each other was like and trunk rallying In that on-the-job his name is much like sold stories are so I've heard
all drop you guys so sorry so I don't know how to respond to it in the end it's the useless going back and forth every e-mail incident of my website got more popular but I would do is I would collect I would collect the best hate mail the and I would collect into a
post called the KKT exclamation point edition because people whose sin this feedback to here resist the exclamation point on the keyboard they have the 7 and sometimes that 8 exclamation point is send the point how so what I would do that would collect the best ones and feature paragraphs and feature what I would have responded to them like someone said stop blogging about your stupid boring life in your house all day and eat something already you look
anorexic like dying a cheeseburger for Christ's sake and I will respond does making fun of skinny people make you feel better about being an asshole because apparently I can hear my metabolism with a cheeseburger how you gonna cure your personality disorder and in many field temporarily better my audience laughed about it but it didn't prepare me for the next onslaught of criticism then in 2009 the the if during a particularly bad period of my life I had just had my 2nd child meaning I had just expanded my business at I have my 2nd child had a
really bad case of shingles and I have taken to my Twitter account where have 1 . 5 million followers and called out I'm moltaí billion dollar corporation for not fixing mind washing machine and my critics came out so that I had bullied that moltaí billion dollar corporations may Maytag and the the hate mail that ensued was on real I was in a bad place as it was when I did not know what to do so I do with a friend told me to do and I collected all pages in probably a good 150 pages of comments that don't base but common looked on website comments on my own website e-mails and I put in a web a WordPress template and i
surrounded it with ads 150 pages and called it monetizing the hate that may be 8 thousand dollars in the span of 7 days pay for
a lot of there being no but it's still I was hosting the hate is what I was doing
was hosting it I wasn't getting over was a working through the emotion of what was going on and it and it was still kicking everyday I add another page and add another page because the hate didn't stop so was a processing and recently psychology today in American publication
did a study about the stroll like behavior and found that the majority of these people are at narcissist psychopaths and status when I read this study as late world that this did you
have to spend any money on this study that new use that money to buy a cheeseburger of course there there that I also thought I am willing to that the majority of these
people are starting that they're in
pain something is wrong you might have heard from a friend or family
member that when someone says something to you or does something off of you has nothing to do with you has everything to do with them and that's it completely correct it's very very good advice the but I would take it a step further because if that is something going on a wise during a lot of pain and
they don't know how to process it a healthy way except to take it out on you know me through screen that's how the processing the pain
and how sad is that how sad is it that day do not CS is human how sad is that their opinion and their right to free speech is more important than our community the I once Redditch we by a comedian on 1 hand up on Twitter he said clearly because they're celebrities not teams the tablet the states the thing is that 0 is that it's not just celebrities anymore it's anybody who has a Facebook page and anybody who has a Twitter feed anybody who has an e-mail account is now getting this type of feedback and haven't been experiencing this type of bullying
so how do we how is this a gift how we process this and so going forward from the day that I decided OK 1 day my daughter is going to get on Instagram she's not ecologies Jr for sure what am I going to tell her how she can process this so the
three-pronged approach the 1st is is we don't seek it out don't Google your name the don't google who hates me if you're a if you're reading a comment and you see it going badly deleted so we with with impunity block walk
away there's no need to read or interact with that kind of feedback 9 the 2nd is honor your passivity which is found you're going to get pissed that's OK you can be angry and that's OK it'd be hearts and that's OK it's because were line to connect and
am ability to connect means that were vulnerable it's OK to feel that way if you if you find that information online and have very very well-meaning friends like did you hear what they said that thanks thanks for sending them out the 3rd the 3rd approach to this and the most important is to extend your hands across the table at least
metaphorically imagine that you're sitting there across the table from the person who has left that awful comment telling you that they wish you were dead center in across the table ImageNet you can see their eyes and imagine that you can see the outline of the face imagine that you see what they're wearing imagine that you can smell the sea who in their hair see them as a human being and say where is your pain
where you forgetting and how can I help you is leaving that comment makes you feel better even temporarily let me give that to you if I am not point of ice cream at the end of the day that
you wanna eat because you need it you weigh your feelings let me give that to you and what that
does for us as those who are online to share and connect that expands are ability to reach out to others it let's test it gives us an insight picturesque how much hot there is that still needs to be worked through their own pain and allows us to connect as human beings and then it's not a matter of shaking it off it's not a
matter of being defensive it's a matter of finding the humanity in offering that person there humanity because if we would be seen as human we have to offer the same to them Duncan the name
was nothing we nevertheless time for questions to an amazing ends and local minimum when the Hi there I think we talk I love music blog so I face the types of comments on time and regarding your source call-to-action UFOs point how do you seperate someone who is a professional troll like a status like you said as someone was maybe momentarily conflicted momentarily aggressive but those something so do you not feel that you lose a
chance for discussion if you just delete them all title block usually what I do is I say blocked you can
tell promotion a sentence whether this person is a delusion is is is there a status you can tell pretty much in the 1st 3 or 4
4 words those were being momentarily i will engage them and I'll say I'm so sorry you feel this way I don't know what's going on in your life but whatever it is I wish you the best I can tell you 100 per
cent of the time they have commented back and said you completely correct answers silent this common
that's what I usually do even on Instagram on Facebook and all my platforms the do you
see any changes in your behavior or how people interact with you since you of
the company focus yes if if if if I I do know blocks like immediately like I used to date I used to think
0 and from blocking and they know that on the affected me I don't care anymore I don't need to see that at all I don't need to see that the
bad then let it me but I've also again I have engaged a lot of people who have less constructive
criticism and a lot more than I used to end I have grown up I feel like a grown-up now of the because I'm not screaming at them is and open
questions I thanks for the talk i i i
have a guy with 102 exclamation marks on and my question is what do you do with the mentally ill but I do it with the mentally ill with the mentally ill
by refer them to I refer them to several organizations in the states including a suicide prevention line the several organizations y will be something is clearly wrong check out this website this website and here's a hot line and you can you can call I generally
those people to leave their own comments 1 last 1 in that case please give
another really really big round of applause for header has must a damn about him and