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Cultivating Empathy

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good afternoon everyone thank you all for coming on I'm going to be addressing the topic today and cultivating empathy on but before actually
delving into this I wanted to say a couple of seconds to explain the previous presentation I had planned to give called will the real technologists please stand up and was actually focused on complete failure of empathy but it was focused on the use of the phrase that person is
not technical and how I can get that limits our ability to be successful in our projects in our communities and our companies and and fortunately I have given this topic for this video Road and I have spent the last month in the company of some really great folks in me just computer club scene as well as in frost continuity here and I realize that all of you are wonderful people and you don't
need me to tell you that it is unkind to assume that your colleagues do not know what they're talking about what they're doing so I'm going to skip that talk entirely on but if anybody wishes to view an idly
happily give you the or else you can watch video but instead today I I thought it would be great to address 2 topics that is incredibly near and dear to my heart which is empathy and its role in our ability to have a successful software projects successful teams and successful interpersonal relationships on I believe without empathy we're not going to be able to build good products build good communities and just be the best individuals that we ourselves can be so it is through the cultivation of empathy on which is a laudable scale that we can create a better bridges between ourselves and amongst 1 another as we try to get the things that so this divergent on I
originally gave his presentation while my colleague Diane interfere with the called person in the German free software world was in Berlin and when we had talked about what we wanted to do for the 1st ever of presentation together we felt and the was incredibly important topic to focus on because we have both experienced a lack of empathy failures of empathy in projects that were very important to us and it had left feeling tired burned out a sad right and it it
cost us to walk away from things that were particularly important to us and we know longer spending time and we felt like it would be very important talk to people about the ways in which they could create empathy within themselves and bring that to the project so there would be less burnout and were having the that is not here which is here in spirit said so why doesn't the
even better obviously it's important to explain what empathy is for those who may not yet be fully familiar with the term empathy is the idea that you are able to actually feel experience 1 another
person's going on this is distinct from sympathy sympathy is being able to seal bad another person that experience well it's but you got it by Don but empathy is actually being able to realise like your leg must be in pain I should probably take to the doctor immediately and make sure you've got the rabies shot etc. on an entity is incredibly important because without it were not actually able to effectively interface with human beings on I don't know about the rest of you I'm not actually an extrovert I play 1 on TV and actually introverts so interacts with other human beings in cylindrical on but I also find if if I try to put myself into another person shoes and really experienced things the way they feel about them and able to be a much more effective collaborator and the issues that it is the company that we create and helping and this is
also really importantly about you to a lot of the examples in any given this talk are about making sure their interactions with other people are good and it's all that kind of how they feel about your interactions with them but frankly on there's a lot to be said for the
enlightened self-interest of and the rate if you actually want to be an effective negotiator get things done in your projects and he wanted people to listen to you when you talk instead of just waiting for their turn to talk actually caring what they have to say and it being sympathetic and empathetic to what their motivations are isn't the crucial part of that so as I speaking about the benefits that others will have in their interactions with you remember that those same benefits accrue to you as well we're having these options no what is
actually a choice and this is something that a lot of people find surprising a lot of people think that empathy for having the feelings that some kind of innate skill URI they're born with area not and this is not to diminish anyone's experience with atypical and may have difficulty with empathy but in general on entropy is something that can be learned
even for those who are not very atypical and fine in the is difficult for them we say that the user choices is actually supported by several scientific studies in from a bunch of them they're pretty cool referenced in recent years times article called empathy is actually choice it's cited in the slides which will be online later on but to studies of spring to mind the red after finding this article 1 is this people will interestingly enough of light situations in which they think they're and you will be so if you understand that you will come across children living in poverty in a particular country you may choose not to go on vacation because it will make you feel better that these young people are living in poverty well I think that it is very interesting because it shows us again and that is the choice is not something were immediately born with and it also seems to have some pretty interesting implications as well for incentivising and the right of the people are going to avoid situations where they feel like they will lose something by being empathetic then clearly there are ways for us to create situations in which people feel there is worth their while to exercise they will come with more about that in a couple of the other interesting study that was referenced was the fact that and this is something that can be learned and it is a scale is teachable under the comprising people to feel empathetic the researchers specifically we're trying to understand if people could have a better understanding of the experiences of people who were of a different race than they were and they found that if they just told people like yes and is a skill you can totally learn this stuff people have much more empathetic reaction to people who are very very different and there were probably about physical appearance and socioeconomic strata perspective simply by having that information on the equivalent of that and the user choice if this is not something we have been practicing or if you have someone in your life just says this is kind of how I am I'm just a jerk and you could politely suggest that you might have to be used here for you to spend less time with them which was firstly my problem I highly recommend walking out on people were not sympathetic after you have attended his adjusted will military but not in the
process of learning and the the you have to start actually not with your feelings around other people but you have to start with self-awareness and a some awareness is actually a relatively difficult process or we would not have phrases from you know age
increasing position heal itself obviously has been part of the human condition for also there are some really easy and useful exercises that you can do to the understand all your own reactions to situations and it starts out as simple as journaling right so would you experienced today how did you feel about what we're reactions to situations but as you find particularly frustrating what did you find particularly compelling and how would you want to replicate of experiences for other people and I suggest to you that if you are attempting to replicate frustration for other people you may not be enjoying this talk that's cool and discussed in the hallway we will not mind if you out for coffee to but the so as you go through the start making notes of what was important to will significant to you what impact if you start thinking about what implications there are 4 other people and also what are the ways in which the feelings differ from others and why didn't feel that way I actually had a lot of success in sort of exploring this process the odds and most the time I'm not a big fan of art particularly in our model and I had a really good friend of mine who was become an artist by training and so I force myself to get many museums with her so that I can understand why she was so excited about like rubber plastic maps of the floor that were you know kind of like nuclear waste and did scary things and finally after you know a couple of no rounds of this I find sort of started understand it wasn't so much about like beauty set of vision it was about a reaction to a piece and I was incredibly effective for me because otherwise the base which is sort of describe all huge waste of time and real book so I was able to to learn by again focusing on that experience and focusing on trying to understand why this was significant someone else in was difficult but where s lead into the part of the talk is about pragmatic advice because I hate it when people stand before the lecture halls and formulation do something in the upcoming how we understand this very seriously and so on I'm going to go over ways that and individuals can work on this as well as on heightened build and the within your organization that number 1 and practicing active listings
folks in the audience familiar with the term active listening I see a couple of non disabled hands again some folks arguments were not on active listening is a component of non-violent communication and the School of Nonviolent Communication the process thereof teaches us to unlearn ways of communicating and communication
patterns that we're socialized with that basically remove are empathy and connections to other people so the easiest way to think about active listening is to when you're engaged in dialog with someone to to be in era for what I said to you so when you're having that discussion you know taken what someone said repeat it back to them and also verbalize things that you have heard but also anything that comes to you as an aspect of body language as well so if I to do tell my dear friend I was very nervous because I was giving a presentation is a but I figured it would go well because they practiced a lot and will be a friendly audiences would be fine then as part of the process of active listening you know the the responses low on the idea that you're nervous I also hear that you're excited I also here that you a lot of work and thought into this process I think you're going to do great on an active listening isn't just useful because it you know is a process of making sure you've understood the other person I think that is very important because frequently we hear what we want here or perhaps you're not listening is closely 1 this gives us the opportunity to correct by the person that were in dialog with that such a thing but it's important because it forces us to slow down and actually take in the information that someone else is transmitting them based on 1 of my favorite lines ever is from the cell cycle of which I find hilarious to put in an apartment the variance of so when they're talking about why they go to use support groups and for people who that diseases when they themselves are physically well and 1 character says when you're dying people really listen and the 2nd character interrupts incest instead of just waiting for their turn to talk and I think that most of our lives focus on just waiting for our are turned to talk and that is a huge bomber right because it cuts us off from not really absorbing the dialog were in it stops us from being present when it stops us from actually caring about what someone else is saying work constantly that part therefore constantly self-focused were not actually changing what we're doing we're going through a status quo greedy and that really is not quickly to study this better or more effective than on the process that was listening once again mirroring back what so instead of looking for confirmation before moving on and really slowing down and being present in the moment as part of our communications so that we can effectively learn of this one's my
favorite has a surveillance to from this and the price cultivating empathy can be hugely it stimulated by reading fiction and how many of you have spent most of her childhood with your knows that was totally so
apparently has been proven by 1 of people who write scientific papers about things that are completely obvious the rest us but it's good that it provides a that reading section creates an empathetic response in the reader it's actually called H transported experience so the idea that as you read you get into the the minds and mind set of a particular character or characters and through this process of simply reading section the activity of the brain creates an empathetic reaction this is 1 that happens when you get to the end of a book in your crying because all of your favorite characters are dead now thank you model and you mean understeers we're shalom I'm not looking toward your friend got everyone's standing on I don't understand why you reacting this way if you have a transformative experience right you build empathy is the process of learning about the characters and I think that this is is valuable because 1 any excuse to read all this time mean and 2 I think it's actually really valuable for those of us who are introverted or who are Meuro atypical and somewhere on the spectrum because it's not always easy for us to deal with other people and you get really overstimulated and everyone at this conference is really nice but well there's a lot of you and after a while I just wanna go and find the bathroom just call it like you know but note that book is never going to necessarily stimuli so again reading fiction is an excellent way to cultivate and the through the process of the transformative experience right but also
extremely important from being curious and awaiting assumptions so and how I view I will be walking along and here's the laughing using their laughing you
OK I see no knowledge this is great of there are a lot of times in our lives where we have deal about processes about what's going on around us and have nothing to do with reality on or off for
example a really needed interaction with 1 of our coworkers and we feel like that means that that person does well I guess or it means that the universe by opinions on and really may have you know horrible acid
reflux that day and their work we don't hold which was what was really happening up and instead of having an opening and candid dialogs about that process which is sort proceed along the assumption of whatever it is that we have and this is dangerous because assumptions are fundamentally evil but we really have no idea what's going on most of the time with other people we have to work really hard to heels of ourselves on as complex you know physical and mental being so assuming that we actually understand what's going on with other folks just create issues so I think that has was actually going on them and and this can be an incredibly frightening process right now it's never enjoyable flokatis immensely some a conversation we had yesterday we were from was going to end was my here it's not feeling well again scary it's a scary process but I think what will you'll find in your actual daily experience is if you take the time to actually do that what people will respect you for asking instead of making assumptions and will also be able to have those kind of dialogs and future work will be a lot less awkward but because people realize here genuinely invested in having an effective interaction with them and not just assume that you already have all transitioning the
pirated about how organizations on can create a and B it is extremely important when you are building out complete team for a project to be explicit about your value system but and this is you know this comes out something like that to be effective trading emissions data what are your goals so and I know most people probably conditions statements of some kind of the US that corporations but together where they're like we are going to be the best manufacturer
cornflakes in the world while that's terrific I like cornflakes but I have no idea how to measure how you become the best cornflake manufacturing world and frankly that has no impact on my life however if you look at effective mission statements of fact value system statements and 1 that springs to mind for me is not work those outwards has the greater page on the website where they talk about the importance of social justice to their business and that they will always ensure that 1 of the pillars of their work is to create a sustainable world that is effective and supports people who have less privileged less economic access who may be living in war-torn countries etc. I mean this is not typical for most businesses most businesses will happily make charitable contributions but they don't say to every single customer who visit the website that social justice forms any important in primary cornerstone of their operations and by being explicit about these values there's not only informs all the people who come and wish to interact with you about what your organization does only stand for it also informs the work of all the people operating within your organization if it is universally understood there In particular value is held in all of your work should be inherently supporting that value it empowers people to act in the best possible way right to actually work in support of the tolerance of it being kind of a and we we care about doing good in the world and depending on the values of your organization I would also suggest making your values as inclusive as possible right not every community is welcoming not every project is welcoming the being very explicit about your inclusivity is important as anyone ever heard of the tree with project I see another distinguishable so once once I am hired such decided they wanted for collateral and make other like the logical codebase was advancing very quickly and it was kind of a bummer interact with folks so they wanted to create a state space online for other people to do logging in general so the dream project came along and he was 1 of the 1st processes they created a diversity statement that basically said on we welcome absolutely everybody called and then they went to explicit detail about absolutely everybody and what that means in the part about wanting what went into producing a project it out about learning differently abled people to participate in a project and it sounds like you know you're going to get this litany of silliness on this actually yields a it's paragraph it's very concise and very clearly welcoming that they want everyone to become whether they are on technologies for many years people were just getting started people who may have not felt that there was a welcoming space for them for our welcome here on so if you use your favorite search engine to look for diversity statement will find a single paragraph and what they found after polishing was that they had the time of contributor interest 70 per cent of the developers of the project will women when you look at typical numbers an open-source operating ranges between 2 to 10 % of contributors women from people kept contributing over the long term service just drive patches and it was because they felt like their work would be valued because somebody took the time to explicitly say that they were wanted they were appreciated that as an organization when you're setting yourself up and continuing the processes be very very explicit in what is important to you and it is my personal value that can be very inclusive I think you should be as inclusive as makes sense for the organization of the project and William make sure you're working with people you on the verge of
going anybody heard of the term to besides these people and all those
I have 1 human from the brain to humans have heard the term that going gradients over the human rights report not so I had link is the concept that the
highest paid person's opinion in the room is the only 1 that matters so you can sit down and have a really great discussion about how to implement a particular feature of or what processes should follow or which have from lunch and people are having a great and spirited discussion and debate and at the end of it the highest paid person's opinion in the the room
so as we're going to do it this way we are going to have talkers for lunch and no it's quite clear that that doesn't actually work for anyone it doesn't work for the situation but everyone is expected to not smile and do it this person as just stated is the most important thing to what always heard this set as the highest paid person's opinion in the room and I also think it's relevant to us to think of it as also the person in the room with the highest level for speech on because there are a lot of projects that we all do as volunteers where we're not actually getting paid but it may be that the project leader is a young removal immediately differed about person and because they have the highest level of prestige and that's not necessarily useful in and this is an area where leaders are really important both in things like business we're paid and volunteer projects because the person to discourage is that highest paid the highest receives level person right on human beings have had a lot of time in organizations where we have incentivized to be very hierarchical in our thinking and where were used to being punished if we don't follow the mandates of the person in the room with the highest papers so if you are in fact the HiPPO like encourage open dialog amongst the people that you're speaking to you're spending time with great so don't say we should do X. ask people what they wanted you're asking for they wanna think about it I think about that idea so what I have been in the past managing developer relations teams I have suggestions about what you should do I don't a the we should go and immediately speak the following 15 conferences about product what so I say I think that would be important for us to target these communities and probably speak these conferences but I am not really sure about these 4 and frankly I'm not even sure this is the right list what people think and and again that shows people look this is an approachable problem and approachable person and they don't have to nod and smile and do whatever I say of which is good for me because that means I'm actually learning something on it it's good for them because they don't feel like they have to show up to work every day like automatons implementing whatever system I've said is the right 1 so again encourage that dialog they should people really know their opinions about and if you are again that person is at the highest level carapace th it's really the onus is on you make sure that the happens because otherwise people may feel that they are overstepping their bounds of being argumentative the intent was not to our not step and
on another favorite of because of it coming people have heard the term because of it is not just you cloud
anymore right there is an ensemble rate in 19 85 by a gentleman by the image of the McCarthy called principles of software
development and it is about how to create effective suffer development in on but it is 20 years old now it still has incredibly useful information so highly recommended and on the principles this record he talks about as being devastating to and organizations is this idea of flipping because of it what this means is if someone makes a mistake
it is the prior report the mistake you decide that they are never ever going to say anything useful that everything that they say is is stupid that you don't really want them in your organization and you simply start ignoring them all the information that they provide is is not useful any work they do is never going to be sufficient use can shut them off in a corner of your mind and and want them to go away and this is not useful for a wide variety of reasons and 1 if you truly feel the individual is not going to be able to contribute to the organization's success the that your team for your company for your project and you're not doing yourself any favors you're not doing that any favors and you're certainly not doing their teammates any favors by having there's absolutely nothing wrong with simply say I think we reached the point where we realize that this is not the right place for you to be we wish you the best of success in your request how can we help you do the next thing on instead of driving everybody kind of to a position of misery because I'm telling you that we should be ignoring just so it's uncomfortable it wastes time in energy and it's it's full of the person is in that position but the reason why it's not particularly useful is some people flip the proposal then very early ranks I don't how many of you work in in companies where the expectation is that you have to always be right or you should never open your mouth ICA I I have been been 1 of those humans will simply and and so people are fearful of talking about their knowledge fearful of display ignorance for fear that once they make 1 mistake In 1 that nothing the symbol of america and that they will have the goes a bit flipped on them and that they will lose all respect and they will lose all ability be impactful on and their relationships with their teammates will become immediately awkward so again avoid this process and this can be really difficult for so the highest paid people in the room a really difficult if you're an incredibly intelligent person on because I think it we have a natural tendency to become impatient and frustrated with people who are just catching on to something is quickly are and it can be it can be really back or a problematic so just remind yourself if your kind of having that moment where like 0 my gosh if you say 1 more thing I would crawl under his desk high so they have to listen to you not affected don't do it remember the everyone makes mistakes everyone's humans and try to give this person the benefit of the doubt as the continuing with the process right you're cutting yourself off from the opportunity to ever learn from this individual if you decided that everything they say is which and if everything they say is actually a waste of time maybe your part of your responsibilities speech that they're not the same very simple and last
but not least I great organizations word is truly OK to fail I think that this is related to my previous point about 4 because of its have been companies were everyone
says it's great we like to iterate let's fail fast order thinks it everything's great and that how many of you got crappy performance review how many of you did get your bond probably not quite how many of you guys feel that how many of you got blamed for the problem I think that we have all been in situations where we've been told that it's totally OK to make mistakes and then the actual response to those mistakes bad misery complete misery right so if you're going to create an organizational
structure where you say it's OK to fail it actually needs to be OK to fail and and there are a lot of ways to signals people it it is OK to fail 1 not yelling at them I think it's a pretty compelling some organizations actually celebrate familiar with the OK that people are this is fun so if you discover that there is a
place for your process broke down and created a lack of useful you can't save lives by having so you have your and your post your post mortem work so I think that after actually is go back wouldn't really wonderful if instead of you know this happening in bringing down the entire service the last 3 hours from a really great said we'd like theoretical about answer was not functioning correctly OK great and as you have this discussion as a team you have overtake and hopefully the cake is skewed in the shape of you know to remind you whatever your failure was and is really hard to believe that somebody on a point fingers and say you you set you set you set over a piece of cake but mostly because sugar rushes make you happier person so you know I think guess make sure that you visibly demonstrated to the group of people you're working with implementing processes that when you say it's OK if failure not just full of crap and we've all heard it's OK to fail it was not actually true there are any number of ways to show that failure matters but it actually helps to make things better because people now know what to do next time so it's more effective and then you know just be explicit about it and and you know make sure their actions natural words so that is all that actually of crosses the
at the the the use of the sample question guys if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them and if not we can go and enjoy a those who profit but also the I
do not know the lovely ladies last name but I know steady will be on an approximately at the top of the hour to talk about creating a culture of bravery and think that there's some of the topics they get touched on there as well about an interpersonal interactions so I'm looking forward to envision usually you won't yes yeah yes this is an excellent question so the question is when you are working in a company and someone has clearly demonstrated that they should not be there and you have put the bozo bit is is a fair thing to have done what you can tell the person I synaptic and working on what you do an open source project you fire volunteers it very hard to fire volunteers began I think my favorite story about this and it turned out really well was very early on in the days of the subversion revision control system and there was a gentleman who would post constantly to the mailing list for Subversion saying things like not just random stuff but it wasn't back and if it was relatively well thought out but this person just a lot of time so they actually ransom so on the stuff on the mailing list and they figured out that 75 per cent of mailing list rapid was great because when you as 1 human being also created like 5 per cent the and this is obviously not really working because everyone's very slightly trying to engage with this person that they were actually helping them so what I mean here actually ask for astronomer called on the phone and said you know we appreciate what you're trying to do but this is actually like taking a lot of time and energy inputs with moderation we we wish you the best of success somewhere else on which was a very awkward and painful conversation but this person nicely delicately to get well in fact when volunteer their time serotonin great if is there difficult to do this and volunteer projects because there is a necessarily like stated hierarchy you also if somebody is is Aston along comes the office people know they're from the office with volunteers is not necessarily that cut and then you can have very unhappy people who behave badly when they're told that patient potentially Seeger request elsewhere that is another entire top possibly book from which we can discuss over as many years as you wish I thought I saw another hand yes other please what yeah you know that the yes OK that's observation so if you are in the process of visibly demonstrating that failure is OK in your organization such as with the failed cake how do you keep it from being horribly shameful exercise where it's like you're so terrible that we give UK and so there are there are several ways to do this the way that I preferred to implement this process is the 1st person to fail miserably and I'm the 1st person to have a terrible failure and so if I can and and I and the 1st person to call my own failure as observing greatly class also yeah that's I and I thought we should do this whole thing was a you you and you not just nearly and and take the responsibility onto onto myself and also talk about what I've learned from it so it's not just it was a bad idea shameful but here are the things we're never going to do again and here are the benefits of we're going to read from not having going through this again and just being really clear about it and the best way to do it is to make sure that when you implement this is a process usually the person driving saying we should do things this way is probably the person brave enough to stand there until it well I really screwed up and once that's model in the organization is being safe i think it becomes of much less shameful process but you have to start with someone who is is particularly courageous and was particularly able to put their ego on hold I think if you start with the most timid person in the office and say here's cake and over it would not recommend starting with the other questions yes what so I don't like know if it is better if the individual who makes a mistake brings the cakes or is it is better the company provides these stories on the on a mix of it was suggested that it is best if the person who makes a mistake brings again as sort of a an offering of love and peace out to their teammates you may have suitable might consumer mistake I think that that has value and I'm just personally I'm not a big fan of like meeting employees responsible for things that a business expenses so I just go like yeah I know I think that Medicaid funds the and I'm not understand what no yes yes yes so I personally don't like that I just because I think that there are places in which responsibility for creating aspire to expedite employs unfairly and that's a different entirely so I think we should you ever but it has been suggested that it is better for the person who made a mistake to to purchase the cake and bring it as a as a gift of love and I can see the benefit of well other lessons Gold matters that the sort of thing to be amazing and you if
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Metadaten

Formale Metadaten

Titel Cultivating Empathy
Serientitel FrOSCon 2015
Teil 57
Anzahl der Teile 80
Autor Hawthorn, Leslie
Lizenz CC-Namensnennung 3.0 Unported:
Sie dürfen das Werk bzw. den Inhalt zu jedem legalen Zweck nutzen, verändern und in unveränderter oder veränderter Form vervielfältigen, verbreiten und öffentlich zugänglich machen, sofern Sie den Namen des Autors/Rechteinhabers in der von ihm festgelegten Weise nennen.
DOI 10.5446/19591
Herausgeber Free and Open Source software Conference (FrOSCon) e.V.
Erscheinungsjahr 2015
Sprache Englisch

Inhaltliche Metadaten

Fachgebiet Informatik
Abstract When considering how to design products, teams or even common everyday household objects, empathy often doesn't end up on the required features list. Yet, without empathy, teams with enormous technical skills can fail in their quest to deliver quality products to their users. Incredible projects fail to create communities because they don't exercise it. Fail at empathy and your chances of failing at everything skyrocket. Leslie Hawthorn

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