In 2018 I somewhat innocently bought very expensive coffee (Nespresso capsules) online from Ebay. What followed was a series of unexpected additional packages from the manufacturer Nespresso and a lurking suspicion that something had gone terribly--if not criminally--wrong as a result of my purchase. This talk chronicles the obnoxious amounts of obsessive research and tracking that became my new hobby--stalking Nespresso fraudsters and my decidedly non-technical attempts at developing a generic search profile and reporting the fraudsters to anyone who would listen, to include : the persons whose identities had been stolen, Nespresso, Ebay, and the FBI. Ultimately I just ended up with a LOT of coffee; a lingering sense that I had committed several crimes; and no faith left in humanity. Nina Kollars Nina Kollars is writing a book about the ways in which hackers contribute to national security. She is a political scientist whose main research is in technological adaptation by users. Kollars is Associate Professor for the Naval War College in the Strategic and Operational Research Department. She conducts research on military weapons and the humans who use them. Largely unsatisfied with sitting still, Kollars has also worked for the Library of Congress' Federal Research Division, the Department of Afro-American Studies at Harvard University, the World Bank, an anti-glare coating factory on the third shift, and volunteers for BSides. She is the former viceroy of the DC strategy group Cigars, Scotch, and Strategy. She is also a certified bourbon steward.