Although "being OO" isn't an end unto itself, we can often learn a great deal about programming by taking things to the extreme. Branching, nil checks, and attributes are not very "OO" and are often the source of great complication in our code. What would our code look like if we did everything we could to avoid them? In this talk, we'll create some odd-looking constructs and write some weird code in an attempt to understand just how useful branching, nil, and attributes really are. Do these constructs make our code easier to read and understand, or are they vestiges from our shared programming backgrounds like C, PHP, and Java?